legionworld | There are places I'll remember/All my life, though some have changed

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There are places I'll remember/All my life, though some have changed

Who| Robbie and Vance
What| Vance has a few things to say to Robbie
Where| Basement of Mount Wundagore in the Habitat Area
When| After Vance comes back from bailing Rich out
Warnings/Notes| Possible mentions of depression, self harm. abuse, child deaths. Will update as necessary

He'd recognized the wall when he caught video of Robbie talking to Brainy. Vance had been intending to give Robbie some space, then go look for him. He HADN'T been expecting Rich to enforce that space by being an idiot, but maybe he should have expected something from that quarter when he hadn't spoken up.

Also, the whole thing with Valeria may have rattled him a bit.

Still, Vance makes his way down to the 'basement' of Mount Wundagore, to a room that doesn't actually exist in the real version. It's not that surprising to Vance that Robbie retreated down here, though some part of him wishes that the room didn't exist at all.

"I thought I'd find you down here."

But, then, Robbie always has been the kind to self-flagellate. And where better to do that than the Stamford memorial?

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"Why would I retire if you're still going to be out there heroing?" Vance raises an eyebrow. "And I know online banking isn't funny. But it is practical."

Which, honestly, is what Robbie was getting at, he thought. That he's the practical one with his feet on the ground. (Which is amusing, as much as he flies.)

The laughter peters off, but Vance is still looking terribly amused. "We just haven't had a chance to redecorate the planning room. It'll get done! As for satin sheets...well, I mean. If that's what you want, we can probably manage."

“Because you’re you?” He’s not sure when the assumption started, but it was probably way back when Vance and Angelica got engaged. They would have kids – adopt kids – and settle down to do the picket fence thing. Even though Angelica was off X-MENing it up, the idea stayed. “That’s why you went to college, right? The whole I'm not always going to be a hero thing that everybody else tries. I thought that’s the way you’d go.”

Robbie shrugs his shoulders under Vance’s arm. He’s not invested in the prediction, but. “Didn’t you just get done explaining how you’re not doing things because I want to do them? It shouldn’t make a difference if I’m still kicking around the tights biz.”

He tries to make it neutral, despite vastly preferring Speedball and Justice to always be a team. Robbie retreats back to making fun of their furniture, where there’s no landmines. “You’re under no obligation to help me rescue more couches from the curb, and I can buy my own sheets without your weirdness ruining the idea."

Vance goes quiet for a moment, considering that. "I think that was the plan at one point. The fact that nobody can be a hero forever and I should have something to fall back on. Though you'll note that I don't have a degree." Because, honestly, the heroing DID get in the way. It was one reason why he and Angelica had taken a hiatus from the Avengers. "But there's also..."

He frowns, rubbing his fingers in a circle against Robbie's sleeve. "I still hear him sometimes. That voice at the back of my head, telling me that I need to be normal." There's no need to elaborate on who 'him' is, after all. Or was, really. "Even when I think I keep rejecting everything that he ever said, there's that little bit that keeps looking at everybody else and thinking that's what I SHOULD be trying to do." He sighs, looking upward. "That's one of the things that I've been working on with Dr. Ry'kerr. Trying to separate the things that I really want from what I was always told I should want. Maybe that means going back to school again one day. Maybe it means I don't." Vance shrugs. "Right now, it means living in a teleporting mountain with a bunch of people who tend to drive me crazy and..."

This is it. The moment of truth. "And my oldest friend, the one I would gladly face the end of the world fighting beside."

Maybe not quite.

"I may not be under any obligation, Robbie, but I want to be there. With you."

See, this is why he veered back towards the furniture. Life as whole has too many landmines, for both of them. Robbie knows a lot of them, but they're buried so deep that they touch everything. He can't even explain why he can't consider quitting and going to school. It cuts too close.

And then Vance saying that he's still trying to be normal for his dad. How does he begin to respond to that?

"I'm going to be a hero forever," Robbie says quietly. "It's the only thing I ever wanted for me. I know the reasons changed, but... it's who I am. Sometimes, I think about going back to school, but then I hear him asking me how every last thing is going to help me go to law school. No law school'd accept me now."

He doesn't want to be a lawyer, but lawyer, artist, and superhero were the only options Robbie knew. "You need to do what you want, too. He doesn't get to have that sort of power over you. He never deserved a kid as awesome as you."

Letting out a little huff at the idea, Robbie nods once and gives Vance a half smile. "Not gonna lie, I'm glad what you want is living in a teleporting mountain with a bunch of people who drive you crazy, because we need you. You are normal, Vance. Not Justice, but you, Vance Astrovik, are in possession of the normalest personality I know. You're just. Solid. And that's good. That's why I want you there."

"You can cross facing the end of the world next to me off your bucket list, though. We've done it like three times already. I'm over it."

"I'm pretty sure we're on at least the fourth now. I'm entirely over it." Vance snorts, leaning against Robbie a little bit. "Though you don't drive me AS crazy as the rest of them, you know."

It's not like Robbie doesn't sometimes drive him crazy, after all. "Right now, being a hero is right for us both. That might change some day, and if it does, we'll cross the bridge when we get there." A pause. "But we're not giving up the teleporting mountain. That's just too good not to keep."

"Let's be heroes that don't have to save the world. Or the universe. Let's just save cats from trees and save people's spaces in the Starbucks line." Robbie nudges back against Vance's weight, but not hard. It's just that back-and-forth, you put bump me so I bump you reaction. "Mm, not as crazy. I know what that means. It means I'm just slightly less irritating and high maintenance than Kaine and Aracely.... wait. Do I drive you crazy less than Sil and Selah?"

He's legitimately stunned if that's true. Should Robbie try harder? As much as he likes attention (still, unfortunately), he doesn't like it at the expense of Vance pulling his hair out. It doesn't seem like they're anywhere near that level at the moment, though. "I'm not giving up the teleporting mountain. You'll have to fight me for it."

"The only one of you guys that doesn't drive me at least a little crazy is Mark." For a guy who turned into a massive, fire-breathing Fu Dog, he really was pretty quiet. "Though I'm not sure how much longer that will last, honestly. Not with him and Selah getting on as well as they do."

It's good-natured grousing, though, with a spark of happiness that Vance hasn't had in a while. Since before Stamford, obviously. But it's good to talk about his team like this.

Vance glances over at him for a moment, then shrugs. "Then I guess you're stuck with me."

“Aracely thinks they’re in love,” Robbie remembers aloud. He doesn’t sound too confident about it, because Aracely's flightiness is not limited to actual flight, but the potential teammate romance is a comfortable topic to gossip about. “Maybe it’ll be the other way around. He could make her a little more boring. That’d suck.”

He keeps his eyes and focus on Vance. Boxing off the pleasant conversation from the solemn location is doable, but it’s definitely easier to compartmentalize when he doesn’t let the memorial pull focus. “I think we’re stuck with each other – and you haven’t gotten your boring all over me yet, so maybe Selah's got a chance.”

"I think they'll probably date. Not sure about the 'in love' part. Also, they're young. That's something that can always change."

Even though he tries to keep it out, there's a little wistfulness in Vance's voice. Which is better than the bitterness that could have been there. After all, he and Angelica had started dating young and had decided to get married FAR too young. Something that he hadn't entirely realized until it was too late to salvage things. It's only recently that he's been able to get past the worst of the bad feelings.

Vance blinks and gives Robbie an amused smile. "I'm pretty sure it's Selah that's going to be the bad influence. And let's be honest. I've never really tried to get my boring all over you, either."

"Woah, they aren't even dating yet, and you're already breaking them up." Robbie raises an eyebrow while shaking his head at Vance. "That's rough, man. You could at least let them get in one team meeting of PDA before you start saying it's going to end."

Which is... basically what Vance is suggesting, and it's not like Robbie doesn't know that every single relationship his friends have tried have all ended - in some cases, badly. He just wants to nip this negativity in the bud before Vance starts telling the wrong people that their feelings will fart out. "Because you know I'm -"

Because you know I'm awesome, Robbie had almost said, but he catches himself in time to stop the words and squash about half the shame that bubbles up from starting in on that routine here. "Never going to be boring. Why is it that only the boring ones get to be the good influences?"

Vance shrugs. "I'm not sure. I'm not the one who makes the rules, I just live by them. And the rules say that the boring, dependable ones are the good influences." A pause, then, "But that tends to mean we need the 'bad influences' more. Because left to our own devices, our lives would be very quiet and lonely." Another pause. "I need you, Robbie. Because you aren't ever going to be boring. Because you keep me on my toes, because you never let me be alone in my own head. Because you keep me on an even keel, haul me back out of myself."

"You and rules are my OTP." That might be a recycled joke - he's, at least, used it in his head before now. It's better if it is an old joke, because that little speech is strange. It's overkill.

"Are you okay? I mean, aside from the video or maybe just aside from the anger and frustration." Robbie feels a bit like an idiot for the question. They've already established that both of them are currently Not Okay. "It's just... I've told you like three times that you're stuck with me. You're still stuck with me, by the way."

"No, no, I'm okay. I'm just..." Vance goes quiet, a very slight frown on his face. Obviously chewing something over.

After another few moments, he sighs and shakes his head. "How did Angel always make this seem so easy?"

There's a prolonged silence while Robbie tries to figure everything out: the failing at words, the frown, the apparent frustration. He's missing something. No, Vance isn't telling him something, and Robbie's left wondering what it might be.

His view shifts over to the memorial again. He doesn't want to watch Vance make that face, knowing that it's because of Robbie and doesn't involve a particularly bad joke. He suspects it's something to do with the holo-vid. There are probably memes that Vance wants to warn him about, or worse.

"Angelica made everything seem easy. Most of us, you could say that our head was in the right place, or our heart was. But Angel - she had her head and her heart in the right place, just about all the time - not that you're a lackadaisical lunkhead, but I get why you'd think she's better at dropping bombs on people. Say what you've got to say. I'll survive."

Not all of the time and Vance is grateful that Robbie phrases it that way. Not that he holds it against her (any more), but there had been a couple of times where Angelica's heart and head weren't in the same place, never mind the right one.

Still. Maybe it's like a bandaid and it's better just to rip it off all at one time.

"I think I'm in love with you."

...That might not have been the best way to phrase it.

There should be a cliché for this. Robbie feels like the rug got ripped out from under him, the oxygen sucked out of the room, an anvil dropped on his head. They’re all accurate and completely insufficient to help him deal with the frenzy of emotion that somehow has him feeling numb.

He can’t make sense of it. Vance likes girls, and the revelation that his interests were broader than that would make Robbie blink. There’s nothing else to unpack there. After blinking, his reaction is just 'okay, great.’ It’s not a big deal.

The real problem is that that revelation is only implied. The anvil that clanged off Robbie’s head is that Vance …well, that Robbie is involved in it at all. That’s not so okay. He can’t help wondering what he did wrong. He must have overdone being normal, if it seems like a relationship with anyone is ever going to be a possibility.

Guiltily, he slides away from Vance and out of reach. Robbie knows it’s a terrible move to make, and he doesn’t know how to nicely explain that he doesn’t mind the contact but it’s probably better for Vance if it doesn’t continue.

Shit, how did he let this happen? He’s bad at letting people down easy. The only time he’s really even tried is when he backed away from Aracely's crush, and it didn’t even work.

Robbie gets to his feet and looks anywhere but Vance. Unfortunately, everything that’s left is the memorial to Robbie’s worst mistake. How can this conversation be happening, here? With the angel fountain and the names of hundreds of people who'll never get the chance to say I love you again. It’s so out-of-place that it’s vulgar.

“You can’t say things like that. Not here,” he adds quickly, trying desperately to soften the impact. After the show and telling Vance how he wishes he had done more to spare him pain, hurting his friend now would be cruel. “It’s – not right. They can’t –“

He abandons trying to explain, between having choked up on the words and feeling like he’s digging the hole deeper, and stands fidgeting while he waits for some sort of direction. Robbie doesn’t know what’s worse, leaving or staying, but he can always change his mind if he stays.

"If I didn't say it now, I'd probably chicken out." Vance knows his levels of emotional constipation, after all. And after things had gone south with Angelica...

Vance stands, taking a few steps toward Robbie but not touching him. Not unless Robbie shows that he wants to be touched. "More than that, Robbie, it is something you should hear. The fact that you are loved, no matter what else has happened." Not that he expects Robbie to believe it, especially not now. "Look, I...it doesn't have to mean anything. I just thought it was something you deserved to know."

"Doesn't have to mean anything?" Robbie asks, so incredulously he almost sounds affronted. The word bullshit might as well be punctuating every word. It's bizarre when a declaration of love is bookended by worries of chickening out and then a complete dismissal of the declaration.

At least, Robbie thinks it's weird. This would be the first time he's been involved with one. When he was a kid, he'd pictured, oh, a 100% completely different scenario, usually involving Heather Locklear.

He's pretty sure it isn't supposed make him so uptight that the emotional awkwardness spills over into physical discomfort, and Robbie is certain that part of him shouldn't be considering going along with it, because that would at least make one person happy.

That would be a shitty thing to do to a friend. "I know you better than that. If it meant you might chicken out, then it meant..."

It's only then that Robbie finally takes a step back, shoving a hand through his hair. After a moment, he mumbles, "I am so not prepared for this conversation. Nobody told me life was going off book today."

He's rehearsed a lot of responses in his life, both quips and explanations, but Robbie hasn't prepped for anything like this.

"I should... go," he says quietly, with an accompanying flinch at how lame he sounds, but it's said now. There's a certain amount of follow-through required, and Robbie takes a few more steps away. He gives Vance one last apologetic look, and turns to go.

"That's not...I didn't...that came out wrong." Because it's not that Vance thinks that his own feelings don't mean anything or that saying it means nothing. But it was obvious that Robbie is pretty much rejecting him and it's a easy out for them both. "I more meant it doesn't have to lead to anything and..."

He pauses, taking a moment before letting out a breath. "I'll see you later."

Maybe. It's not like Vance is going to track him down. He's already made this awkward enough.

"It's okay, Vance." But Robbie didn't stop making his way out of the memorial park. The arch that marked the entrance framed the stairs into the rest of Mount Wundagore. Once he was there, he'd use his flight ring to get some real distance.

Part of him wants to joke that leading then to shit is still leading somewhere, but Robbie doesn't find it as funny as he thinks he should. "I'll catch you later."

Like when he can look Vance in the face again. When Robbie's officially out of the memorial, he takes off, intending to lose himself in Central Park for a few hours.

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There are places I'll remember/All my life, though some have changed

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