legionworld | (no subject)

Entry tags:

speedball/robbie baldwin

(no subject)

Who| Robbie Baldwin and Rich Rider. Happy to provide starters for others if desired!
What| Robbie needs advice. For a friend. You totally don't know him.
Where| Leaving whatever course is funniest.
When| Post events,pre-squid
Warnings/Notes|

Asking for advice always made Robbie feel like he was on a mission. A spy mission. The James Bond Jr. theme was interfering with his ability to work out the cover story, or if he wanted a cover story, as he waited for the class to clear out so he could snag Rich for a chat.

It was important to have the conversation be super cazh. If Robbie asked if they could talk, even if he didn’t say there was stuff weighing on his mind, it was immediately a Thing. This wasn’t a Thing. They were friends. They talked all the time. No Things here.

“Hey, Rich, what’s up? Aside from how I still can’t work a ‘what’s up U.P.’ bit into my daily repertoire.” Robbie relaxed with that. It’s groan-worthy and light, and he sounded normal, if a little tired. They can work up to how he needed advice for a friend and avoid how Robbie has been quietly giving Rich the cold shoulder since the whole arrest mess.

He really should slide in an apology for that, if there’s an opening.

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Excuses and explanations had been prepared, but Robbie didn't think Rich would call him out on it that quickly or that fluidly. He stops himself from outright flinching, but it's too late to refute the statement by the time his brain found his tongue.

Lies need to be delivered promptly, before the silence gets weird, and Robbie isn't able to get anything out while the blood was draining out of his face and pooling somewhere around the floor with his nerve. His eyes glance over at the exit, twice, while he considers fleeing this conversation as well.

It wouldn't help. Rich would go ask Vance. "It's... not what you think."

But Robbie himself doesn't know what he thinks about it. He's never been very introspective about dating or lack thereof. 'Yes please' had become 'no never', but that was his own internal hangups about deserving affection. While had never used the term asexual for himself and had taken a certain pride in being able to say when someone, regardless of gender, was near objectively attractive, that's not the same as ... completely comfortable with the idea of being in a relationship with anyone.

"He..." Robbie tries to fill in the lines of Vance's face, but he hadn't wanted to see what Vance looked like in that moment. He knows what Vance sounded like, and that's enough to answer.

"I think he felt sorry for me," he says with some bitterness. Vance has every right to be mad, but pity's harder to swallow. "Sometimes, I wish I hadn't leaned on him so much, because when I can't sleep I go over conversations and wonder how much of what he says is real and how much is because he thinks someone should be nice to me. He said that, too. That I should hear that from someone. The love thing."

"Well, first of all, you need to figure out if you feel the same way. If not, you'll have to talk to him and tell him gently. If you are..." Rich shakes his head. "He doesn't feel sorry for you, Robbie. No more than I do. And he's not saying things just to be nice. Right now, because of everything you've been through, you have trouble seeing yourself the way other people do."

Rich places a reassuring hand on Robbie's shoulder.

"But we all care about you for good reasons, even if you can't see them. Everything he's saying is real. He wouldn't hurt you by saying it if he didn't mean it." He shrugs. "People love you. It's not in your head, and nobody's saying it just to make you feel better, or out of pity. We mean it."

Ball's in his court.

"At the end of the day, if you can accept what he's giving you and decide you want that from him -- and feel like you can give it back -- then maybe it's worth a shot." He adds, "But it's okay if you're not ready, you've been through a lot and it might take time to work through it all. You still need to accept that it's real and then decide what you want to do from there."

That's what he wants to say. It's what he thinks. It's what the beings inside him will make him think he said, and while the memory will be false, the words are his own. That's what's in his heart, it's what he would've said if they hadn't interfered.

~

Instead, they shove his mind down into the dark place where they keep it when they're using his body, dig into his mind for ammunition, and say something else.

"I don't think he'd -- I don't know that he'd do that, Robbie," but he sounds hesitant like he's not sure. "I mean, sometimes people...it is possible if you're used to taking care of someone that maybe a lot of feelings can get all confused. Get mixed together."

He pauses. "Regardless of what he really feels, if it's actually real, do you...do you think you're ready for that? That you're able to give it back? You're... you're working through a lot."

The tone he says it in is all wrong. Filled with pity, with a questioning tone.

"Maybe it'd be a good idea to put a pin in it, tell him you need to just be friends for now, and go back to talk him once you're more stable."

Yessss, They think. This one is dangerous. This one will pry. Dig claws under his skin. Hurt him, expose his heart, drive him away.

Edited 2017-10-18 03:22 (UTC)

Rich might only echo Robbie's doubts, but he's known them both for so long that Robbie takes his analysis as the gospel truth. This idea that Vance is emotionally mixed up is a relatable spin. Robbie is emotionally mixed up. He didn’t think about Vance as anything but a friend, not really, until Vance opened the floodgates. Robbie’s questioning everything now, and at best his own behaviour has been naïvely misleading. Did he go to Vance when nightmares kept him awake because he didn't want to be alone, or because he wanted to be specifically closer to Vance and it was a convenient excuse? The more he goes over their relationship - their friendship- the more confused his own emotions are getting.

It’s like Rich said and Robbie suspected. When you're used to caring for someone or being cared for, lines can get blurred.

Having his worst suspicions confirmed didn't make him feel better. There's no relief in knowing versus uncertainty, although Rich’s hesitation in calling it a lie is comforting. Vance didn't mean to mislead him. He’s confused, too. It’s an honest mistake that Robbie brought on.

“I don’t know. I don't know if I can ignore it enough to be friends. I don’t want to hurt Vance. That’s all that matters,” Robbie admits. He doesn't like the line of questioning. It’s close to how Rich called him crazy, and Robbie wonders if he’s being over sensitive because the rawness of that has barely scabbed over. But the tone irks as well. He can hear the kid gloves.

Robbie tries to ignore it. He only just fixed this. Rich means well. Robbie tells himself that over and over as a mantra. “I never think about it anymore. Dating. It’s what other people do. I flirt because that’s what I’m supposed to do, because if I don’t then I’m not being “me” and people will worry. And… he’s a guy. Shouldn't that be my first objection? I… don’t know why its not. I haven't really thought about anything with dating or sex or any of that since I was 17. And… I was fine. Everyone else could keep their crazy love lives, and I could popcorn because that was the one part of my life that was under control. Okay, because it didn't exist, but I still hadn’t screwed it up. Now I screwed it up, and I don’t … I’m not even supposed to have a love life to wreck.”

"Then maybe it'd be a good idea to tell him you're not able to consider that right now. And if you need some distance because the feelings are confusing, tell him that, too."

He leans his chin on his hand, thoughtful.

"I think as long as you didn't accuse him of lying about his feelings, he'd understand if you said that you're worried he's getting friendship mixed up with other feelings."

Or Vance'll be upset, because he's not confused at all. And they'll argue - keeping them both too occupied to care about what Rich is doing.

Edited 2017-10-20 00:43 (UTC)

"Right. I can tell him that. Vance is the understanding type." He tests the idea aloud. If Robbie can say something convincingly, that's usually all he needs to be sold on an idea. It sounds flat to his ears. Vance is the understanding type...

And isn't that just part of the problem? Vance is understanding when it comes to people's screw-ups, and he understands Robbie. So he'll be patient and kind while Robbie takes advantage of that to act like it's a maybe when, really, he thinks the final answer is going to be that he could never let himself be in an actual relationship. It doesn't matter if Vance is understanding, if he's a dude, and, frankly, if he's in love that only makes the gut reaction of being undeserving of anything worse.

... dammit, Vance had already called that being his reaction, too. You should hear it from somebody. Robbie winces at the memory. This is all his fault. "How bad is it if I text him? It's not a text breakup. There's nothing to break up, and... we kind of haven't talked since then. He might want to go right on not talking."

"I think that'd be fine. It's understandable that you might need a little distance."

Really, the right thing to do would be to talk to him face to face and have the chance to be open. It's a lot easier to mess up and misread tone while texting.

The potential of them arguing is greater if they're not talking it out in person.

The agreement goes down easy, just like the advice had before it. It fits into Robbie’s plan to bottle up everything that made him feel different.

For a brief moment, it bothers him. Advice – real advice, the kind New Warriors always gave each other – was rough on both people. It was ugly and nothing was tidy. It wasn’t easy to tell a good buddy that you would’ve voted to kick them off the team or to tell someone that they need to stop being off-putting and shower. But he told them anyway, because that’s what they needed. He’s gotten his fair share.

It usually involves an adjustment. Robbie wonders why Rich is letting him chicken out of facing his decision – facing Vance. And then the moment ends when he awkwardly realizes that Rich doesn’t think Robbie is secure enough to handle a major emotional confrontation.

With a jolt of shame, Robbie realizes he doesn’t believe he’s ready for that either. It might be the most humiliating part of the week. “Yeah. Space is good. If he’s not in the room, I don’t have to see how much I’ve disappointed another person I care about.”

He looks as miserable as he sounds. There’s no point in pretending he’s feeling better, not now. He shouldn’t have brought Rich into this at all and let him see how shitty Robbie was about to be. While outing Vance. He’s a great best friend. “Can we pretend this conversation never happen?”

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