legionworld | (no subject)

Entry tags:

speedball/robbie baldwin

(no subject)

Who| Robbie Baldwin and Rich Rider. Happy to provide starters for others if desired!
What| Robbie needs advice. For a friend. You totally don't know him.
Where| Leaving whatever course is funniest.
When| Post events,pre-squid
Warnings/Notes|

Asking for advice always made Robbie feel like he was on a mission. A spy mission. The James Bond Jr. theme was interfering with his ability to work out the cover story, or if he wanted a cover story, as he waited for the class to clear out so he could snag Rich for a chat.

It was important to have the conversation be super cazh. If Robbie asked if they could talk, even if he didn’t say there was stuff weighing on his mind, it was immediately a Thing. This wasn’t a Thing. They were friends. They talked all the time. No Things here.

“Hey, Rich, what’s up? Aside from how I still can’t work a ‘what’s up U.P.’ bit into my daily repertoire.” Robbie relaxed with that. It’s groan-worthy and light, and he sounded normal, if a little tired. They can work up to how he needed advice for a friend and avoid how Robbie has been quietly giving Rich the cold shoulder since the whole arrest mess.

He really should slide in an apology for that, if there’s an opening.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

He finds Rich when he's having a cup of coffee in the Mess. Usually, he doesn't drink any in the afternoon but he's had trouble sleeping lately. Nightmares. And that's meant his caffeine consumption's been on an uptick, to compensate for being tired all the time.

"Hey. Hey, Robbie."

He sounds almost surprised that Robbie's talking to him again. Rich remembers apologizing and Robbie still giving him the cold shoulder after.

He doesn't know that the memory of apologizing is a lie.

Anyway, he assumed from Robbie's continued avoidance that maybe he needed to give him more time.

He understands why he was hurt. Rich didn't know why those words had come out of his mouth. If anything, he was proud of Robbie for getting therapy. It took a lot of inner strength to confront painful things in your past. Blurting out that he wasn't crazy right after Robbie opened up and admitted he was getting therapy was...

It wasn't right. It made Rich feel like he was going out of his damn mind, like some weird part of his brain was operating independently from the rest of it. Hell, Robbie confronting all his problems made Rich consider maybe dealing with his own - up until recently. Recently, it just started seeming like...like the wrong idea. His brain started going in loops filled with reasons why he didn't need to see anyone.

Edited 2017-10-12 00:17 (UTC)

“Hey.” Hey is much better than any number of sarcastic options that could’ve been thrown at Robbie, but it still doesn’t leave Rob much to work with. There’s nothing to bounce off of, no answer to the question, not even a smile at the up/U.P. line. Without a conversation, it’s hard to steer the topic without being blunt and obvious.

Robbie sighed and then squared his shoulder. It looked like an apology was needed straight off. “I’m sorry about the way I’ve been acting. I’ve had my head up my butt since that stupid show, and I don’t want to take it out on my friends.”

He’s talked it through with the Doc, twice, and it lead to the acceptance that Rich also been in something of a personal crisis that day. Rich had just done something massively stupid and was likely embarrassed and defensive. It was just unfortunate that his defense kicked Robbie’s sore spot at a moment when Robbie, too, had been ill-equipped to deal with it rationally.

That was why the apology was in Robbie's court. He'd been the one to misinterpret, he'd been the one to overreact, and he was the one giving the silent treatment. “Are we cool? I just want things to be normal with everyone again.”

"Robbie, you don't have to apologize. Seriously. What I said, it - it came out all wrong."

They've already been over this. Except for where, you know, they haven't. But Rich doesn't know that.

"We're cool." He smiles. "We're definitely cool."

Maybe now things could go back to normal? His weird rage episode is in the past, and he figures maybe it was just a bad reaction to seeing all the hurt his friends went through and them having their privacy violated. During the fight on Apokolips he was still able to hold it together and help the team with an orderly withdrawal. That means maybe his head is back to being screwed on straight again.

Robbie waved a hand at that. He needed to say he was sorry to set things right and to make himself feel better. “It came out wrong on both sides, and I’m apparently going through this can’t-see-past-the-end-of-my-nose phase that I’m not a huge fan of. I’m not really sure how to break out of that one, but I think owning the apology is step one.”

It frees up selfishness for other things, hardy har har. And speaking of coming out badly, have you talked to Vance lately? Robbie doesn’t even attempt that segue. Just the thought of it makes him panic internally. He hadn’t stopped to think about how Rich could react to the news or if Vance would be hurt if Robbie outed him.

Rob went a couple shades paler. Is that what his intended conversation would be? Forcibly outing his bestie to their bestie? Did he already do that when he discussed it with Doctor Ry'kerr? Just how shitty has he been the past few weeks?

This really wasn’t where his head should be, right now. Robbie needed to not freak out like a dork. Maybe Vance already told him. “Too bad Vance isn’t here to tell us we were never cool.”

Look at that, he worked Vance in after all.

Rich laughs because it's true. Between the super-tights, him faking he had his own sidekick, and Robbie's endless goofiness (and that ridiculous trenchcoat), they really never were as cool as they thought they were at the time.

But that's just something to look back on with fondness.

"He wouldn't be wrong."

Still, jokes aside, Robbie seems...reticent about something.

"You okay? Anything bugging you other than, uh, y'know, me being an idiot?"

The ridiculous trench coat disguise was something of a team cliché. Did it ever work?

Not really, or about as well as Robbie acts like he’s not bursting to blab when he is so clearly ready to spill like a popped water balloon. In a rush, he says, "Yeah."

He remembers too late the cover story that he'd concocted. "I mean, yeah, he wouldn't be wrong, but I'd never tell him that. He'd get a big head."

Robbie tries to answer the question again, as if he's just thought of it. "N...no, but now that you mention it, I've been trying to figure out how to give advice to a friend of mine. I'm kind of stuck for ideas. It's a little out of my ancient, barbarian purview."

Okay, well, this makes sense. Robbie's younger and Rich has more life experience, and lots of experiences Robbie hasn't had much of yet, like dating.

So it's natural he'd want to still help this friend and might ask someone else for advice to pass along.

"Not sure my ancient, barbarian purview will help either," he says with a grin, "but I'll do what I can. Go ahead, shoot."

Which is, of course, the rationale that Robbie avoided out of habit, because - even in this moment, fulfilling the role of the young one acting more knowledgeable than he is - it's just what he does. If he didn't, it would be weird.

"Right?" He nods enthusiastically at Rich's response. "I don't think being clueless is timeline specific. There's just more beings to be confused by now. So, anyway, my friend - not naming names, so we'll call him Tony because he's an idiot who somehow mostly normal people are still friends with - Tony has this other friend that he's known forever who's a real throwback to the 20th century. You could get him out of central casting for the wholesome boy next door. We'll call him Cap."

Robbie has to have fun with this, or he wouldn't be able to get through it. "So, Cap told Tony that he loved him, and Tony kind of busted a brain circuit and bailed. Now it's like - he's like, what the hell do I do? He's my friend, and he set off this bomb and nothing looks the same. And I don't have any answers."

Okay, that gets a laugh out of him.

But this situation... it's a very small team. And sure, he doesn't know about everyone's friendships and relationships but that situation still sounds awfully familiar, like one he does know of.

He plays dumb for now.

"So how bad was this bailing out? We talking just zooming off in his armor? Or accidentally saying something hurtful?"

Edited 2017-10-18 01:33 (UTC)

It's a very small team, but it's a very large staff. Robbie is prepared to claim it's a crew member if he's asked about it.

"Zooming off in his armor? Dude, it's not Grif. It doesn't matter who it is." At the same time, he doesn't want Rich to go around Grif did something crazy and confessed his love to whoever fits the equation. "But I think it was somewhere between zooming off and saying something awful. I think the phrase 'not having this conversation' came up."

Honestly, Robbie can't remember the precise wording he used to postpone the discussion, but it was along those lines. He had needed to think about it somewhere else, without Vance waiting. It would have worked better if he'd been able to figure out any of it, but days later, it's a mess whenever he thinks about it.

"I was still going with the Iron Man thing. Rocket feet. Nyoom."

He makes his hand zoom like a rocket and then picks up his coffee again.

"Hmm, lemme think about that."

He...he has an inkling suspicion here and he tries to listen to it, because...

Maybe it's because he's hoping it's true. The thought is nice, that two of his friends might care about each other that way, just like it'd been nice to know Vance and Angel had cared about each other. He knows that there are few people out there that could possibly love and understand them as much as they love and understand each other and that's not because they're hard to love, it's because they both are capable of loving and understanding just that much.

And they did take that road trip. And they've spent a lot of time together. He's never really pried when it comes to straight up asking about their orientations. He'd assumed they were straight because of Angel and because of all of Robbie's relentless hitting on girls, but he also didn't care enough to ask - because it didn't matter. It wouldn't have ever changed what he thought of his friends.

If they aren't straight, it doesn't change a thing now.

It just sounds too familiar and he's good at reading Robbie's body language after all these years, and he seems...cagey. He takes a stab in the dark, because that little poke might provoke a reaction to confirm his suspicion, and at worst, Robbie will just think he's dense.

He carries on and slips it into the conversation like the Iron Man and Cap thing had never come up and Robbie'd mentioned Vance all along.

"So how hurt did Vance look? Did he look understanding or...?"

Excuses and explanations had been prepared, but Robbie didn't think Rich would call him out on it that quickly or that fluidly. He stops himself from outright flinching, but it's too late to refute the statement by the time his brain found his tongue.

Lies need to be delivered promptly, before the silence gets weird, and Robbie isn't able to get anything out while the blood was draining out of his face and pooling somewhere around the floor with his nerve. His eyes glance over at the exit, twice, while he considers fleeing this conversation as well.

It wouldn't help. Rich would go ask Vance. "It's... not what you think."

But Robbie himself doesn't know what he thinks about it. He's never been very introspective about dating or lack thereof. 'Yes please' had become 'no never', but that was his own internal hangups about deserving affection. While had never used the term asexual for himself and had taken a certain pride in being able to say when someone, regardless of gender, was near objectively attractive, that's not the same as ... completely comfortable with the idea of being in a relationship with anyone.

"He..." Robbie tries to fill in the lines of Vance's face, but he hadn't wanted to see what Vance looked like in that moment. He knows what Vance sounded like, and that's enough to answer.

"I think he felt sorry for me," he says with some bitterness. Vance has every right to be mad, but pity's harder to swallow. "Sometimes, I wish I hadn't leaned on him so much, because when I can't sleep I go over conversations and wonder how much of what he says is real and how much is because he thinks someone should be nice to me. He said that, too. That I should hear that from someone. The love thing."

"Well, first of all, you need to figure out if you feel the same way. If not, you'll have to talk to him and tell him gently. If you are..." Rich shakes his head. "He doesn't feel sorry for you, Robbie. No more than I do. And he's not saying things just to be nice. Right now, because of everything you've been through, you have trouble seeing yourself the way other people do."

Rich places a reassuring hand on Robbie's shoulder.

"But we all care about you for good reasons, even if you can't see them. Everything he's saying is real. He wouldn't hurt you by saying it if he didn't mean it." He shrugs. "People love you. It's not in your head, and nobody's saying it just to make you feel better, or out of pity. We mean it."

Ball's in his court.

"At the end of the day, if you can accept what he's giving you and decide you want that from him -- and feel like you can give it back -- then maybe it's worth a shot." He adds, "But it's okay if you're not ready, you've been through a lot and it might take time to work through it all. You still need to accept that it's real and then decide what you want to do from there."

That's what he wants to say. It's what he thinks. It's what the beings inside him will make him think he said, and while the memory will be false, the words are his own. That's what's in his heart, it's what he would've said if they hadn't interfered.

~

Instead, they shove his mind down into the dark place where they keep it when they're using his body, dig into his mind for ammunition, and say something else.

"I don't think he'd -- I don't know that he'd do that, Robbie," but he sounds hesitant like he's not sure. "I mean, sometimes people...it is possible if you're used to taking care of someone that maybe a lot of feelings can get all confused. Get mixed together."

He pauses. "Regardless of what he really feels, if it's actually real, do you...do you think you're ready for that? That you're able to give it back? You're... you're working through a lot."

The tone he says it in is all wrong. Filled with pity, with a questioning tone.

"Maybe it'd be a good idea to put a pin in it, tell him you need to just be friends for now, and go back to talk him once you're more stable."

Yessss, They think. This one is dangerous. This one will pry. Dig claws under his skin. Hurt him, expose his heart, drive him away.

Edited 2017-10-18 03:22 (UTC)

Rich might only echo Robbie's doubts, but he's known them both for so long that Robbie takes his analysis as the gospel truth. This idea that Vance is emotionally mixed up is a relatable spin. Robbie is emotionally mixed up. He didn’t think about Vance as anything but a friend, not really, until Vance opened the floodgates. Robbie’s questioning everything now, and at best his own behaviour has been naïvely misleading. Did he go to Vance when nightmares kept him awake because he didn't want to be alone, or because he wanted to be specifically closer to Vance and it was a convenient excuse? The more he goes over their relationship - their friendship- the more confused his own emotions are getting.

It’s like Rich said and Robbie suspected. When you're used to caring for someone or being cared for, lines can get blurred.

Having his worst suspicions confirmed didn't make him feel better. There's no relief in knowing versus uncertainty, although Rich’s hesitation in calling it a lie is comforting. Vance didn't mean to mislead him. He’s confused, too. It’s an honest mistake that Robbie brought on.

“I don’t know. I don't know if I can ignore it enough to be friends. I don’t want to hurt Vance. That’s all that matters,” Robbie admits. He doesn't like the line of questioning. It’s close to how Rich called him crazy, and Robbie wonders if he’s being over sensitive because the rawness of that has barely scabbed over. But the tone irks as well. He can hear the kid gloves.

Robbie tries to ignore it. He only just fixed this. Rich means well. Robbie tells himself that over and over as a mantra. “I never think about it anymore. Dating. It’s what other people do. I flirt because that’s what I’m supposed to do, because if I don’t then I’m not being “me” and people will worry. And… he’s a guy. Shouldn't that be my first objection? I… don’t know why its not. I haven't really thought about anything with dating or sex or any of that since I was 17. And… I was fine. Everyone else could keep their crazy love lives, and I could popcorn because that was the one part of my life that was under control. Okay, because it didn't exist, but I still hadn’t screwed it up. Now I screwed it up, and I don’t … I’m not even supposed to have a love life to wreck.”

"Then maybe it'd be a good idea to tell him you're not able to consider that right now. And if you need some distance because the feelings are confusing, tell him that, too."

He leans his chin on his hand, thoughtful.

"I think as long as you didn't accuse him of lying about his feelings, he'd understand if you said that you're worried he's getting friendship mixed up with other feelings."

Or Vance'll be upset, because he's not confused at all. And they'll argue - keeping them both too occupied to care about what Rich is doing.

Edited 2017-10-20 00:43 (UTC)

"Right. I can tell him that. Vance is the understanding type." He tests the idea aloud. If Robbie can say something convincingly, that's usually all he needs to be sold on an idea. It sounds flat to his ears. Vance is the understanding type...

And isn't that just part of the problem? Vance is understanding when it comes to people's screw-ups, and he understands Robbie. So he'll be patient and kind while Robbie takes advantage of that to act like it's a maybe when, really, he thinks the final answer is going to be that he could never let himself be in an actual relationship. It doesn't matter if Vance is understanding, if he's a dude, and, frankly, if he's in love that only makes the gut reaction of being undeserving of anything worse.

... dammit, Vance had already called that being his reaction, too. You should hear it from somebody. Robbie winces at the memory. This is all his fault. "How bad is it if I text him? It's not a text breakup. There's nothing to break up, and... we kind of haven't talked since then. He might want to go right on not talking."

"I think that'd be fine. It's understandable that you might need a little distance."

Really, the right thing to do would be to talk to him face to face and have the chance to be open. It's a lot easier to mess up and misread tone while texting.

The potential of them arguing is greater if they're not talking it out in person.

The agreement goes down easy, just like the advice had before it. It fits into Robbie’s plan to bottle up everything that made him feel different.

For a brief moment, it bothers him. Advice – real advice, the kind New Warriors always gave each other – was rough on both people. It was ugly and nothing was tidy. It wasn’t easy to tell a good buddy that you would’ve voted to kick them off the team or to tell someone that they need to stop being off-putting and shower. But he told them anyway, because that’s what they needed. He’s gotten his fair share.

It usually involves an adjustment. Robbie wonders why Rich is letting him chicken out of facing his decision – facing Vance. And then the moment ends when he awkwardly realizes that Rich doesn’t think Robbie is secure enough to handle a major emotional confrontation.

With a jolt of shame, Robbie realizes he doesn’t believe he’s ready for that either. It might be the most humiliating part of the week. “Yeah. Space is good. If he’s not in the room, I don’t have to see how much I’ve disappointed another person I care about.”

He looks as miserable as he sounds. There’s no point in pretending he’s feeling better, not now. He shouldn’t have brought Rich into this at all and let him see how shitty Robbie was about to be. While outing Vance. He’s a great best friend. “Can we pretend this conversation never happen?”

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only