legionworld | Please Not Now [CLOSED]

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Please Not Now [CLOSED]

Who| The Chief and Wash
What| The most awkward conversation anyone's ever had
Where| Wash's place
When| A while after Wash's near-death experience
Warnings/Notes| An unacceptable number of feelings

John-117 has a problem, a problem a person like him was never meant to face and thus a problem he is completely unequipped to deal with. Spartan-IIs are not built for emotionally charged interactions, and this would be sort of hilarious if it weren't so real and disorienting and very much detrimental.

At the very least, he knows what the problem is. It's just not one he's had since he was a boy, and then only the once. Nothing about John's life in those days applies to the one he's living right now, though, so identifying this snag still hasn't given him any answers.

The problem is Wash. Specifically, how he feels about Wash, and the unacceptable emotional things he finds himself wanting from Wash. Call it what it is, it's an infatuation. A crush. John isn't a child anymore, though, and there is nothing cute about this. He's distracted, and while so far he has managed not to take any action on this impossible and stupid impulse, it's been worrying him more and more. The kicker was Wash's recent near death by sniper round on Rimbor, and just how deeply he'd felt that.

It's a danger to himself and (more distressingly) others. There is no questioning that. It must be dealt with, and soon. Ignoring the problem has not made it go away or diminished its seriousness. He's been emotionally compromised, is aware of it now, and needs to get away from Wash for a while so he can kill this.

…But doing so without explanation will hurt Wash's feelings.

That's why he's here now, knocking at Wash's door, out of his armor because he doesn't even want to have to come close to involving Cortana in this. John has to confront it the only way he knows how: Directly. He's not sure what's going to happen, just that one way or another he's going to put this in the ground and bury it.

Sometimes, things just have to get worse before they can get better.

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I need to talk to you in private. Not urgent, but it's important.

It's not the most worrying message Wash has ever received, but it's pretty far up there, especially since it's coming from Chief. What the hell does he mean? Did something happen? Did he- shit, did Wash slip up? Did Chief clue in? He thought he could keep the act up, despite York's doubts, but if-

No. No, he's borrowing trouble. Chief could be talking about anything, especially since Wash nearly died not long ago. It's something else. It's fine. He needs to-

The knock on the door is a relief - at the least, it saves him from going further down that rabbit hole. He'd disabled the traps as soon as he'd known Chief was coming over, so those are already out of the way when he crosses the room and pulls the door open. "Hi."

He steps back, waiting until Chief is fully inside and the door is closed before bringing up the topic at hand...kind of. "What's up?"

"Hi," the Chief returns, crossing the threshold. The door is closed, he's here now. It's time, and he's nervous.

It's ridiculous that he's nervous about this. John has lived an extraordinary and dangerous life, but somehow this is just worse than routine combat with the Covenant. He values Wash, potentially losing that friendship does scare him in a way few things have. Maybe that's just another symptom of the problem, but it doesn't make this any easier.

He's had some time to think about how he's going to approach this. There's a better way, somewhere. He's sure of that. But John just doesn't have the map to find it.

"It's nothing you did."

Wash is a worrier. John has to at least try to cut that fuse, even if he doesn't have the right tools. It really isn't Wash's fault, he's never done anything to indicate he'd want these feelings. Even what they'd done on Olum was a blatant and well-discussed act. If a line had been crossed, maybe it wouldn't have reached this point. John could've cut that off at the pass and they wouldn't be here, now. It's him who's having an issue and making this terrible.

"I just have a problem and you're involved."

He's two sentences in and this is already hideous.

The conversation started out worrying and has taken a hard left turn for the weird. Right now, Wash's priority is just to keep up. "Okay?" he says slowly. "What kind of problem?"

"Personal."

Well. It is.

He's missing beats here, there's a cadence to going over to someone's home and talking to them about things. Maybe they should be sitting down or something. But if he gets caught up in trying to emulate being a socialized person, he's never going to do what he came to.

John doesn't need to take up any more of Wash's space or time than necessary when the whole point is that he needs to do less of that anyway.

"I'm emotionally compromised," he says. It's flat, factual, and grave.

He's what.

Wash is quiet, fighting to keep his expression neutral while something twists in his chest, some awful combination of trepidation and out-and-out fear and hope. Does he mean- He can't possibly- Oh dear God-

No. No, he's getting ahead of himself and assuming things and he can't do that. He needs...well, he needs a lot of things, but a better explanation would be a good start. Chief is compromised... "Around me." Clarify that for him, please.

"In regards to you."

It's totally a useful clarification. Not just around him, about him, on the subject of Wash in total.

"And it's been getting worse since Rimbor."

It's a hard thing to admit, and while he's been good with eye contact up to this point, his gaze shifts to somewhere over Wash's shoulder. Now that he has it by the tail and has had a good look at it, he knows the feelings are older than that. It just took him a crisis to realize.

He should be better than this and he knows it.

He's been compromised since Rimbor. Well, nearly losing a friend will do that to you-

But what if that's not what he meant? Chief sure isn't acting like he's just talking about friendship - since when does he not make eye contact? What if he's talking about something else? What if-

Wash throws the brakes on that train of thought. He can not afford to get carried away with this. It's going to tip his hand, but- he has to know. He needs to know.

"Okay," he says, and buying himself that extra second does nothing to ease the anxious tangle of emotions in his chest. "Emotionally compromised how?"

He's not communicating clearly, that's what this repetition means. God damn it, he will get back to looking Wash in the face, now. It's pure force of will. It's the right thing to be doing.

"I'm getting unprofessional. It's affecting my priorities. You could have died, and if you had..."

He hits a wall, lets out a little sigh of frustration, and has to try again. It has to be even blunter if this is going to be finished at all.

"I care about you, Wash."

Something in John's voice shifts, low and gentle and sad.

"And I can't ask you to care about me the same way."

It would be wrong. Selfish. He was raised on war and it's all he knows. He already belongs to his job and his chain of command, there is nothing for Wash here. To pretend otherwise would be cruel, and there is nothing he wants less than to be cruel to Wash.

"I can stop, but I'm going to need some space for a while."

Because he has to stop. There is no question in his mind that there could be any other option.

"I wanted you to know that's what I'm doing and it's not your fault. I'm sorry." Deeply, truly, earnestly, in a way that hurts in his throat. He has to turn away here, it's finally beaten his ability to stand firm. He's ashamed more than anything, he let his guard down and it's weak of him to have let this grow to the point where he has to involve his friend in his emotional problems at all.

Oh God.

Oh God, he- Chief-

He cares about-

Oh God.

Wash's brain, which had been speeding along in every possible direction at a hundred miles a minute, abruptly sputters and dies, and he's left standing speechless. He'd wondered, idly, when he wasn't trying to put this whole mess out of his mind and act like absolutely nothing had changed, how things might play out if he ever said anything. This is not a scenario he'd ever considered, and yet-

Here they are. Chief cares about him, shares the same feelings as Wash despite not knowing about Wash's side of things, and he wants to shut it off. He'd come to let Wash know that it's not Wash's fault and he needs distance and fuck that. This could be an actual good thing for both of them, and Wash is not about to stop it before it even starts.

It takes him two tries to push past the ever tightening knot in his chest and find his voice. "I think I figured it out before you did," he starts, because this is it, Chief made the first move without even knowing it and the doors are open and he needs to do something before they slam shut again and he is not fucking this up. "The night we came back from Olum. That hike was one of the best experiences I've had in years, and...much as I didn't like the singing stones, we sounded good together." He pauses, breathes, keeps going. "I didn't say anything because I didn't know what you thought, and I didn't want to put any pressure on you."

"But..." He shrugs, a little haplessly, never mind that Chief can't see it with his back turned. "You're not the only one who's emotionally compromised."

I think I figured it out before you did.

Did he? Damn. John has tried to keep this under wraps, but there's probably some kind of signal he missed and-

...Wait. That's not what Wash is saying. His head snaps up and he spins back around.

"What?"

He's hearing it and processing it but he's not understanding entirely. This is horribly exciting and exactly the kind of thing he does not need to hear if he's going to fix this. Because he needs to fix this.

He shakes his head and rubs his face a little with one hand.

"Damn. We are in trouble," he says after several long, empty seconds.

They can't have this, he specifically can't have this for a whole list of reasons, and the discovery that it's so close makes that knowledge even worse.

Edited 2017-07-13 22:02 (UTC)

Well, it's not a great reaction, but it could always be worse.

We are in trouble rattles around his head, and he bites back an assent. Yeah, they are, it's a mess, but- but-

But it's a good kind of mess, if things go right. Being in a relationship is a goddamn trip and it can be fun and fulfilling and warm, the right kind fills in all the edges and corners in his soul that still feel cold even on good days, and God damn it he wants it.

That's the crux of it, now that he knows where they both stand. He'd held back for fear of pressuring Chief, but now that that fear has evaporated, all he wants is to click this into place and act on the feelings he's been trying to bury for weeks.

He's gotten into the habit of fighting for what he wants, and damned if he's backing down now.

"We don't have to be," is out of his mouth before he really stops to think about his words. "We can make this work. If this is mutual, there's no reason not to at least try."

"I'm a Spartan, Wash. You know what I am."

What, not who. The problem is in the what.

"You know there's a lot I can't promise you."

The life he lives, the obligations he carries, even just the body he has, none are going to make this easy. He's the Master Chief, he can't be anything but a Spartan, and there are so many things a Spartan is never meant to give.

...Unless, somehow, this is okay.

He can't afford to think about how maybe, to Wash, this is okay.

Edited 2017-07-13 23:30 (UTC)

"Yeah, and I fell in love with you anyway." The words, blithe and far too casual for how Wash really feels, are out of his mouth before he can think about them, leaving a rush of adrenaline in their wake. That word is on the table - four letters, starts with L, Jesus Christ he can hardly believe he went there - and they're in deep. Like hell is he giving up now. "Funny how that works."

Chief is too serious - this whole conversation is too serious - for Wash to keep that tone, and he steadies himself and keeps going. "Look, I've spent way too much time over the course of my life chasing things I was never going to get, and I'm done with that. I wouldn't have suggested making it work if I didn't think we could do it."

Wash, in this moment flippant and stubborn and so completely Wash, ends the dance. It's love. It's been love, and avoiding its name won't make it any less. He stands firm in the face of John's worry, and even though John almost wishes he could stop this, he could not possibly love Wash more.

He's wanted, in a way he thought no one would ever in their right mind want him, by someone who makes him laugh and whom he'd trust with his life and everything in it that matters. Whom he wants back.

It won't be easy, it can't be, but what in life has been?

John closes the gap between them and, certain and unhesitating, engulfs Wash in an embrace unlike anything they feigned on Olum.

The decision is made, the lines are drawn, and if he has to fight for this, then so be it.

Edited 2017-07-14 01:27 (UTC)

Honestly, Wash thought he'd have to fight harder for this. It's a pattern in his life: nothing ever comes easy, and when he does win, it's at a price. He can fight like hell for what he wants, but even a success will have taken something out of him.

So this...is new, and a little terrifying in how easily it comes, but- but it's the start of a relationship. This is a beginning, not an end, and it's going to require work all the way through. He knows it's not going to be easy, and honestly, that makes this a little easier to accept.

He wraps his arms around Chief and holds tight, burying his face in Chief's chest. This is his- this is theirs, and they're going to have to work at it, but that doesn't make it any less real.

"...I'm going to take this as a yes."

This could have gone so very badly, the relief almost doesn't feel real. He doesn't laugh, not quite. Wash can feel the sharp little exhale that could have become one if the Chief didn't have a lifetime of suppressing it, though.

"Good," he says, and he rests his jaw on the top of Wash's head. They're in new territory, now. There's going to be no going back from this, and somehow? For now? He can ignore the worry.

It's going to be weird for both of them, sure, but they've established that neither of them cares.

"You're going to have to apologize to all the people you're supposedly dating, though."

Does the Chief read the meme? No. Does the meme leak? Absolutely.

He feels that little not-laugh and takes it as the victory it is. It's as close to a laugh as Chief ever gets (barring very rare occurrences), and he's making jokes, and-

Holy shit, this is happening. It's real, and it's happening, and he's reeling and a little giddy when it starts sinking in that he's in a relationship now. With the Chief. Which he'd wanted for weeks and had been absolutely certain was never going to happen.

Holy shit.

"Hey, they knew what they were getting into when we started supposedly dating." Wow, he sounds a lot calmer than he feels. Still a little giddy - this is real, this is happening, fuck it why not - he sidesteps his impulse control and leans up and presses his lips to Chief's jaw, just where it meets the curve of his neck. He tastes like metal and fiber, like someone who's spent half their life in armor, and it's familiar and gentle and a start.

...it's a start.

This is actually happening.

It's going to take some getting used to, but he can't say he's not looking forward to it.

It's a small thing, in the grand spectrum of ways people express that they love each other. Intellectually, John knows this. It still makes him pause for a moment.

He's never been touched like this before, and hadn't considered he might ever want to be. John's body is a tool, a honed weapon, something to be treated with clinical precision to ensure it functions because it would be difficult to replace. Tender gestures are more alien than actual alien weapons fire.

This is real. This is what's happening now. Maybe there are a thousand reasons he shouldn't be here, but screw them all. This might not last, it's easy to imagine all the things that could tear this apart.

But for now?

For now he gives Wash a gentle squeeze, stroking his back with one hand. For now, they have each other, and something that's theirs, and it's good.

"Wash?" he says, with hardly any volume because Wash is right here.

Wash nestles in a little further and gives a deep, contented sigh. Lately, when he's hugged someone, he's been trying to provide comfort or strength; it's been a long time since he's had anything like this, and he's missed it quite a bit. This feels good in a way he hasn't in years. It's going to be complicated, and it's going to require work, but for right now he takes a breath and just lets himself be happy.

"Yeah?"

"Thank you."

Maybe that's not what a normal person says at a time like this, but John isn't trying to be one.

He means it anyway.

...yep, this is definitely going to be a different experience.

Wash pauses for a moment, a little surprised, and then starts laughing - softly, into Chief's chest, but nonetheless. He's a little overwhelmed, to be honest, and this is how it's leaking out. He's going to need to explain himself soon, but right now he's too busy being so goddamn happy.

"You know, if you wanted me to kiss you again, you could just ask."

John arches an eyebrow. Oh? Really now?

"Can you reach?"

He's teasing, raising his jaw a little in challenge. They've gone straight from serious, potentially sad discussion back to being the kind of people who have impromptu snowball fights and banter that ends with one person being potato-sacked down a mountain.

John is a Spartan and Wash is a survivor of Project Freelancer, both places where that sense of humor could have been lost forever. But instead, it's what they bring out in each other.

They're back in familiar territory now - with a twist, yes, but still familiar, smiling and teasing. This isn't too different from what they'd had before - it's just the next step.

Wash smirks a bit at the challenge. "That depends on how you feel about being climbed like a tree." He shifts his grip, releasing the hug and lightly dragging his nails down Chief's back. It's part making a point and part sidling into territory he's pretty sure Chief isn't familiar with - either way, Chief's reaction should be fun to watch.

The muscles of his back tense a little under Wash's fingers, but that's as far as the startle gets before he's on it. This is an experiment, he'll see what happens and then how he feels about it. Decisions can be made from there.

"You seem to be getting pretty brave," he says. "Try me."

They'll have to talk, eventually. For real, and probably horribly awkwardly. He knows that. But for now? The game's afoot, he's handed Wash a challenge and honestly, he really wants to see how this turns out.

(And to kiss him back, inexperience be damned.)

Okay, the physical contact side of things is probably going to take Chief a bit to get used to, but he's absolutely up to speed on the 'saying dumb shit' aspect of relationships. Good to know.

And shitty jokes about making out tend to require physical followup. That's a good reminder.

He reaches up and puts his hands on Chief's shoulders, sizing him up. He'd managed this with Maine, but Chief is taller, so execution might be interesting.. "Remember, you literally asked for this," is all the warning Chief gets before Wash jumps, using the upward momentum to pull himself up until he cam wrap his legs around Chief's waist. He braces an elbow on Chief's shoulders and smirks - "Like a fucking tree." - before cupping Chief's jaw with his free hand and kissing him full on the lips.

It would probably be less awkward and more romantic if he weren't also clinging to Chief like an enthusiastic koala, but hell, if it works, it works.

Mission success. John supports Wash once he's up, one arm under him and one around him, and kisses him back. He's awkward, he has obviously and unsurprisingly never done this before, but it's like every other imperfect action he's had to take in life: He chose. He committed. He's doing it.

This is infinitely, infinitely better than the last time he held Wash off the ground.

"Knew you could," he says when he pulls back. He's not one for broad expressions, he never has been, and that relaxed smile on his face is as close as John really gets to a grin. The rest of this is new, but saying dumb shit? He's an expert.

It's okay for him to want this, here. He's not anyone's boss, he's not hiding anything, he's not a symbol. He's just John.

He hasn't had the luxury being just John in...

...Well.

Ever.

Okay, so the enthusiastic koala maneuver works. Good to know.

"Smartass," Wash shoots back, a grin on his face and laughter in his voice. They definitely have some work to do on the kissing front, but they can take that slow-

That train of thought rattles to a stop at the sound of a very loud meow as DC wiggles out from under the bed, meowing at the top of his lungs. It's dinnertime and he's hungry and why hasn't he been fed yet! It's been months, and DC still surprises him with just how much noise he can make with those tiny lungs.

"I need to feed the cat," he says, tapping John's shoulder. "Let me down."

He's not surprised real goddamn life has come crashing in on their little bubble of happiness, but that doesn't mean he particularly enjoys the reality check, even if it is cute and fuzzy.

It's not that the moment's gone, it's just... different. Everything else snaps back into focus around them.

"Right."

John sets Wash back on his feet. He'll take this as a chance to pause and think.

This is not where he thought he'd be right now, it's much better than that. But it's not without reason for worry. He was prepared for all the problems that would come from backing away for a while to kill feelings. Acting on them? Mutually? It's a whole different set that it seemed impossible to even consider.

Feeding DC is a routine Wash can do in his sleep: fill the dry food bowl from the container in the cupboard, refill the water dish from the bottle he refills daily in the mess hall, and after a moment of consideration, he adds a little bit of wet food on top of the dry as a treat. He's having a particularly good day; might as well treat the cat. Plus, the wet food in particular will keep him occupied long enough for Wash and Chief to have an interrupted talk.

...they need to talk, don't they. He's been trying to avoid thinking about this.

With the cat distracted and sated, he turns his attention back to Chief. "We should probably talk about this, huh."

The Chief nods.

"You first, or me?"

Because they both have concerns, they can't not have them. This is exciting and new and potentially good, but neither of them is without baggage.

...But at least this is a different talk than it was a few minutes ago. It's not about why they shouldn't, it's about how they can.

Edited 2017-07-21 11:07 (UTC)

"You, if you're up for it." He heads over to the couch and takes a seat; after a moment, he pats the cushion next to him. It's probably unnecessary, but at least the invitation makes things clear. "I think I have some idea of what you're going to say, but I don't want to assume anything."

John sinks down next to Wash, closer than he would have before but not touching.

"You probably do," he admits. Wash does know him well, they would never have got here if not. And that's why this is so important.

"I'm worried about what happens if something goes wrong in the field. I'm worried about staying objective. But if I didn't think we could get past that and keep the mission first, I wouldn't be here now."

Just because they're putting that behind them doesn't mean he can just shut off the concern, but repetition would be useless. He thinks they can make this work. If all the time and trust they've had has taught him anything, it's that this kind of selfishness is probably the opposite of a problem they have. Life is full of unusual bright sides.

The concerns he has to address now are different, and far more personal.

"I've never done this," he says, voice quieter. "I think I understand, but I might not. A lot of things aren't... obvious to me." And Wash has seen the evidence. He's an awkward person, when he has to be anything but grim and stoic.

"I don't want to miss something and hurt you."

John doesn't talk about feelings much, or even like to admit to having them. If he puts names to fears, they are much more difficult to bury and move past. But if he's going to do this, he needs to be honest with Wash and with himself. There's enough trust here for him to admit these things, he knows Wash isn't going to think less of him for being less than certain and steady.

But even so, it's still very hard for him to say it.

He's tempted to put a hand on Chief's arm, but doesn't act on it - Chief left space between them for a reason. As for what he's saying...

Putting the mission first makes sense, and it needs to be the priority for both of them. Wash knows he's not the first thing on Chief's list - it's part and parcel of dating a Spartan. He thinks. Has anyone ever done this before?

Evidently Chief hasn't, and that's not a surprise. What is surprising is that Chief seems to be more worried about this aspect of things than the keep the mission first part. "So, talk to me," he says, feeling out the words. "If we're going to make this work, we'll need to really communicate with each other. If there's something that you like, or don't like, or want more or less of, tell me and I'll do the same. Talking about relationship stuff is goddamn hard sometimes, but it's important, especially since you're inexperienced and I'm out of practice." It was hard enough to say that much, but it's the only way Wash can ever see this working out.

John breathes in and out once, long and slow. The nerves are here to stay, it will take a while for them to dissipate, but they've been addressed. It's sort of funny to him that this is the thing that has him twisted up, but it being funny doesn't make it any less true. A smile, a small one, creeps across his features at his own expense.

"I can do that," he says. It's a promise. He'll follow through. At the very least, this evening has proven awkwardness is a hurdle he's not afraid to leap on Wash's account. True, "apologizing in advance for not talking to you because I'm an emotionally inexperienced disaster area" is the kind of solution he comes up with independently when he tries for clarity, but he can work on that. He's not alone in this.

"Your turn?"

That was, apparently, what he had. For now, anyway.

The smile helps, honestly. They're rare, and the fact that he's smiling at all does more to soothe Wash's nerves than words can.

Especially since now it's his turn with words, and he's pretty sure Chief isn't going to like what he has to say.

"Honestly, I'm worried about Cortana." Might as well tear that band-aid right off. "I know she means the world to you, and I'm pretty sure you'd put her above the mission without a second thought, and I don't have a problem with any of that." He'd known going into this that he was never going to be Chief's number one priority, and he'd made his peace with that - and a fair number of other things - weeks ago. "What I'm worried about is, she doesn't like me. I'm pretty sure I'm her least favorite Freelancer, and Grif and Tucker are the only reason I'm not her least favorite person in armor, and...I don't know how that's going to affect this."

"It won't."

...Apparently it's that simple to him.

"I am Cortana's mission," he says. He understands this now. Cortana here is from a point in time where she didn't break down, she has plenty of other priorities, but the slide into rampancy he witnessed made it abundantly clear that he's her most important. It's maybe kind of a problem, the Chief knows it's not an ideal longterm situation for Cortana as a person and the UNSC would not approve, but at least it's not mission critical and is something that can be worked out eventually.

Maybe.

"She prioritizes my wellbeing more than I do. The two of you have that in common."

They've had multiple discussions, it's definitely an established fact.

"You're not a threat to my safety, you're not a threat to my effectiveness, and this is probably the best I've felt out of the field in a long time."

The Chief looks Wash in the eyes, steady and serious.

"Cortana doesn't have to like you, Wash. I do."

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Please Not Now [CLOSED]

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