Robbie Baldwin (
walkingballpit) wrote in
legionworld2017-01-23 11:50 am
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Entry tags:
Ain't it funny how the feeling goes away
Who| Robbie Baldwin and Vance Astrovik
What| Robbie's failing to cope with Silent Horizon (and a lot of prior stuff)
Where| His quarters
When| In the days after Silent Horizon/No Sanity Clause
Warnings/Notes| Self harm ideation, discussion of past self harm likely, present self harm possible.
Nothing was ever going to be good enough.
Robbie sat in his bed with his back against the wall. Since returning to Legion World, he's tried everything to pull himself back up to his normal emotional functioning. He's argued with teammates, smiled at doctors, asked to be left alone to deal with it.
When that didn't shake out how he hoped, Robbie took out the frustration of impotence out on the anonymous horde. He even sharing anonymously, only to be treated like a freak for saying it was part of his normal.
It underlined his opinion that talking about it with Dr. Ryk'rr won't help, but no one wanted to listen.
He tossed the omnicom onto the bed beside him. He was tired of trying to force emotional highs. The only things he's felt in days were guilt, fear, and hundreds of tiny wounds all along his skin. They're gone now.
The medical care was too advanced here, he thinks as he examined his bare forearms. The skin is pale with fine lines of new skin that stand out starkly. Robbie scratched at them, but the doctors didn't leave scabs. He could grab something, trace along the bright pink lines. Just once or twice. He could tell Vance, I guess the doctors missed a few, or ten, or twenty. He should hide them, but he doesn't care. Besides, if his friend is really coming to check him out, denial of access is confirmation of existence.
But he'd have them, and that's what mattered. He'd feel them. It wouldn't be good enough, but it would be better.
What| Robbie's failing to cope with Silent Horizon (and a lot of prior stuff)
Where| His quarters
When| In the days after Silent Horizon/No Sanity Clause
Warnings/Notes| Self harm ideation, discussion of past self harm likely, present self harm possible.
Nothing was ever going to be good enough.
Robbie sat in his bed with his back against the wall. Since returning to Legion World, he's tried everything to pull himself back up to his normal emotional functioning. He's argued with teammates, smiled at doctors, asked to be left alone to deal with it.
When that didn't shake out how he hoped, Robbie took out the frustration of impotence out on the anonymous horde. He even sharing anonymously, only to be treated like a freak for saying it was part of his normal.
It underlined his opinion that talking about it with Dr. Ryk'rr won't help, but no one wanted to listen.
He tossed the omnicom onto the bed beside him. He was tired of trying to force emotional highs. The only things he's felt in days were guilt, fear, and hundreds of tiny wounds all along his skin. They're gone now.
The medical care was too advanced here, he thinks as he examined his bare forearms. The skin is pale with fine lines of new skin that stand out starkly. Robbie scratched at them, but the doctors didn't leave scabs. He could grab something, trace along the bright pink lines. Just once or twice. He could tell Vance, I guess the doctors missed a few, or ten, or twenty. He should hide them, but he doesn't care. Besides, if his friend is really coming to check him out, denial of access is confirmation of existence.
But he'd have them, and that's what mattered. He'd feel them. It wouldn't be good enough, but it would be better.
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"It's easier to think you've always got this because if you're not okay than I'm an even worse person for leaning on you so hard. It's not fair, and I don't want to do it. I want to do some of the supporting, but you don't need people that way. You don't need someone else in the room to distract you with snoring so you can hate that instead of yourself until you fall back asleep. And you -"
He put his head in his hands and continued in a mumble. "You shouldn't have to be the someone holding it together. You're qualified; you need to know that, but...I'm sorry. I know I sandbagged you into reforming the team."
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"And just because I'm not always okay doesn't mean you can't lean on me. Just because I may not need it doesn't mean I don't want it. I've been trying my best to be there for you and..." He frowned slightly. "What happened out there, Robbie?"
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He had to keep replaying it in his head so his mood stayed buoyed up. "I'll try harder, then, and I don't want you trying so hard for me. I don't want to be your responsibility."
That was a very important distinction. Robbie knew that he'd gotten pretty mentally rocked to find Rich - and then Nita - here. Alive and happy and Rich told him that he burned up. Robbie also knew that he's been slipping before he went on the mission. "I told you. Sixty little kid ghosts followed me around. They talked. I grew spikes... I think they came out of my scars. That place was in my head from the start."
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Sure, Vance had his own issues, but they were smaller and he knew that something could be done about them and he was going to do something about them.
"Sounds like it was." He started to scoot the chair forward, then paused and frowned. "Robbie. Are you okay for me to come closer? Do you want to be touched right now?" Because Robbie did look like he needed a hug, but it might not be welcome.
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Maybe that was why he thought of himself as unnecessary, but Robbie figured that he was zeroed in on it. He did that a lot, focused in on a problem that could be handled or, if it couldn't, would be a solid waste of time.
The questions were... weird. Robbie's head snapped up to look at Vance, and he found himself inching away. He didn't really care if Vance moved nearer, but being asked like he was a skittish forest animal or mental patient. It put him off, but 'no' wasn't the right answer. "Yeah? It's messed up that you think you have to ask like that."
He wouldn't mind a hug, honestly, but Robbie's a historically free hugger. A friend having to ask if one can happen? It's wrong, and somehow that had to be his own fault.
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And that was the scariest part of what had happened, that Robbie's left with incomplete memories again. "I thought I was past that... I don't know who I'm supposed to apologize to."
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He doesn't believe what Vance said, but Robbie believed that Vance believed it. "I don't think I do. It's not an argument, but I'm not even... there yet. Like fighting about whether or not I deserve the boundaries I try to keep or if I should make peace with myself..."
Robbie snorted derisively. "I'm way back on how I'm still here and they're not. I hide it because it's crazy, but ... that doesn't mean I'm ready for advanced classes like actually making peace with things instead of just pretending. If no one gets their hopes up, I can't let anyone down."
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He pulled away a little, but only enough so that he could look Robbie in the face. "The only person I worry about you letting down is yourself, toothpick. The rest of us who know you and give a shit know that you'd do anything for us. I just want you to do something to take care of yourself, too."
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He grimaced slightly and shook his head - couldn't stop shaking it. "I'm good. I'm taken care of. I've got food and clothes and a bed and distractions and friends I can wake up in the middle of the night if my head starts whirlpooling around the same thoughts and I feel like I'm drowning. I've got too much. I'm fine. I - please don't make me tell someone else about Stamford."
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Life was easier when he had less choices and more free will in regards to those things, but he didn't mean to say that he didn't deserve them.
Distractions and friends - those he doesn't deserve. He knew that, but he also knew he shouldn't have slipped like that. Robbie had been trying to talk - he forgot no one would like to listen.
He has to fix it. "I meant I've got more than a lot of people. I can't complain. Metaphorically. And literally, like, you'd know if I wasn't eating. I spend half my time in uniform."
Vance was good practice, if he wanted to find a bright side to this.
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Still, Vance snorted. Just a little. "I've seen you eat. I'm not that worried about you missing meals." Too many meals might be something to really worry about, but one or two here and there weren't that bad. "I just...I know you went through a lot of shit and that it left its marks on you. Not just the scars, but mental stuff as well." He sat back a bit, reaching up to rub the bridge of his nose. "I just...I want to help. I just know I don't know how."
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Robbie folded his arms to his chest awkwardly, trying to cover some of the scars with his hands. "I don't talk about your mental scars, and it's not because I don't want to help. I do. Anyway I can. I just - I respect your space, but it's not because I don't care."
It was weird to say that aloud. Robbie thought it shouldn't be so hard. He used to tell his friends how much they meant to him all the time, but... there'd been those minutes, when he thought Vance was dead, and he hadn't felt any grief at all. He went pale at the idea that he might not really give a shit. "Cause I do."